We're doing something right!

A few weeks go my dad and I sat outside in front of a bonfire (yes, I live in the woods) and polished off most of a large bottle of red wine. We normally have no problem communicating and talking about things, but I waited till he was a little buzzed before I asked the question that had been on my mind for a while. "Do you worry about your cancer and think about it all the time?" I asked. I wasn't really surprised by the answer, but it was interesting to hear it. He told me he constantly checks his tumor sight and wonders if it will come back and thinks a lot about whether the cancer is traveling around in his body undetected. I had no empathy, since I have never been through something as life altering as cancer, but I sure had sympathy. In fact, I have begun to live my days in the same manner. Does he have the sniffles? Why? Is the cancer multiplying as we sit here over dinner (or a bottle of wine)? It is exhausting, terrifying and back breaking.

Last Thursday, for the first time in six months (which is a long time in the world of cancer), my dad had another PET Scan. The scan itself is not painful or stressful. You basically get some radioactive sugar water pumped through your veins, lay in a tube for a looooong time and then get a nice little snack of crackers and juice to boost your sugar levels again. (Side story: when they pulled dad out of the tube for his half way point snack the nurse said "Oh its sunny outside!" She, of course, was referring to the current weather, but dad replied "What? Is it July already?" :) So, its a long, but painless process).

The painful part? WAITING!!!!! He was told his doctor would contact him on Monday with the results, but if you have ever dealt with a doctor you know that their time lines are a bit relaxed. Monday passed with no phone call or text from my dad. I figured that he would only contact me at work if it was good news so by the end of the night I was convinced the Melanoma had taken over his body and he had one week to live. I went to bed that night with a heavy heart and a lot of anxiety. To cut the story short....basically I heard the phone ringing when I was in my room getting ready for work on Tuesday morning. Nobody ever calls me on this phone so I NEVER answer it. I had a feeling, and went with it, and ran to listen to the message. It was was my dad's doc saying "your scan looks fine". Forget the fact that doctors shouldn't leave messages like this on answering machines, my father told him to call his cell phone and this said doctor is now not my dad's doc. Besides all that, it was amazing news. I called Pops instantly and fought back tears of joy.

I'm not sure what it is.....the praying, the positive thinking, his new cancer fighting/no sugar/no chemicals diet, the placement of Mars in the universe. Who knows. All I know is that we are doing something right. No signs of cancer and a whole lot of time ahead of us to keep kicking cancer's ass! Oh, and maybe he will continue to worry about what is floating around in his body, maybe we all will, but for the next few months we can safely say that all is good.

Really bad excuses.

Alright, so maybe the cartoon above doesn't quite reflect my current situation of trying to lose a little extra weight, but I thought it was funny. I highly doubt that if I fail at losing some pounds that I will wind up dead in the near future. I'm not obese and am actually quite healthy as far as cholesterol and blood pressure numbers go, but at the end of the day I REALLY want to, and probably should, lose weight.

Several road blocks stand in my way of truly getting back into my skinny jeans, but the one that I find extremely troublesome this week is my ability to make excuses. Bad excuses and in some cases irrational excuses, but excuses non the less. I excel at making excuses and if making them were some kind of a sport I would no doubt be sponsored by Nike. I decided writing about them and putting it "out there" might help me to stay accountable so here it goes.....

I worked the lunch shift at work today and knew for a fact that I would be done at 3:30 on the dot when a co-worker came to relieve me. I had plans (since last night honestly) to hurry home, lace up my shoes and hit the pavement for a run around my block which tops out at 3.52 miles. I talked about it at work, had a protein packed and healthy lunch, and was indeed in my car by 3:35 heading home.

A few things happened between work and home, which IS quite a long commute (oops, is that another excuse?!) and by the time I pulled into the driveway I knew in my gut that running was the last thing I would be doing this afternoon. What happened on the ride home? Nothing more than some clouds rolling in and my knee having a twinge (SMALL twinge) of pain after a work shift on my feet. From these two things I derived the following excuses for not going for a run and I, sadly, can discredit and rationalize the reasons why all of them are really bad excuses.

1. It might start raining so I better not go running: this makes ABSOLUTELY no sense at all!!! I live, and have lived my whole life, in Seattle! I can get anything done in the rain and I actually really enjoy running in the rain. It sounded like an excuse someone from CA would use because, frankly, sometimes the world stops turning when it rains down there. :)

2. It might be dark by the time I get home, which wouldn't be safe: Ok, ok, a valid excuse for when I used to live downtown, but I reside in the suburbs now and I'm pretty sure I would be alright on a lit, busy street. Oh, and it doesn't get dark at 4pm any longer.

3. I really need to sit down and send out some resumes and work on my job search: This one is my favorite because there is nothing I hate more than job hunting and this can and is usually done at night from the comfort of my bed on my laptop. There was no need to embark on this task midday.

4. I have Wednesday off from work so I can work out and run even further without time constraints: Ah, yes, put off what you can do today and just wait to do it later. How about you run today AND on Wednesday.

5. And as I was arriving home the last and final excuse was that my ipod was dead: apparently I forgot that all I have to do is plug the thing into my computer for a few minutes and BAM, I will have music to run to. :)

Did I wise up and go for that run? No. Am I beating myself up over it? Not as much as I was earlier in the evening. I recognized the error of my ways and I will just start fresh again tomorrow. After all, we can't get it right every day and this journey is all about being forgiving towards yourself, right?

Maybe karma is crap.

Several months ago a clerk at a gas station handed me a twenty dollar bill for change instead of the ten dollars he really owed me. I handed it back and told the truth. Last month my employer over paid me on my paycheck by quite a bit. I told my manager and had the difference taken out of my next check. I let people get ahead of me while merging in traffic. I send thank you and sympathy cards when appropriate. I help out friends when they need money or simply a shoulder to cry on. I try to avoid road rage, I've cut down on my anger, I tell the people I love that I love them and I always say please and thank you. Does any of this shit really add up? I'm not so sure.

I don't like to feel sorry for myself because all I have to do is watch the nightly news, look at a stranger on the street or read a book and I know that things could always be worse. However, for the sake of this post, I will list some of the things I have been through in the last few years.

My husband left and filed for divorce. I had to move out of the house I owned and loved. I sold my belongings and drove to Cali to be with friends. I love my best friend. I moved home to Seattle. My ex got his girlfriend pregnant and married her. I got laid of twice from two different jobs (one of which sucked and one that I really liked). I moved home, literally, with family to save money. My dad got diagnosed with cancer. And that brings us to present day.

When I type it all out it seems really silly that I think of these things as tragedies. Just watching the news tonight about the madness that is happening in Egypt makes me count my blessings. On the other hand, at about 2:30 today I wasn't thinking that at all. All I was thinking was"why me!!???" and "what have I done to deserve this??".

I will set the scene. I got up this morning and hit the track. I've been running with my dad on my nights off from work, but without knowing how far he will be able to make it since he is just getting in the game, I tend to workout the morning of as well. I jogged three miles followed by some stair running, sit-ups and push-ups. The sun was shining in Seattle and it felt great to be out in the nice weather treating my body well. Running is my yoga. Running is my knitting. Running is the thing that brings me peace and centers me. I don't do it to lose weight and I don't even run all the fast, but it makes me feel strong and I love it. I felt accomplished after my morning at the track and I planned to spend the rest of the day soaking up a gorgeous Seattle afternoon. Next on the agenda.....the dog park.

I take being a dog owner seriously and I believe that if you decide to have a pet, then you better be willing to put in the work. My little Lucy spends a lot of time with my parents when I'm at work, but on my days off I try to give her tons of attention. There is a new dog park just miles from my house with a huge open field of grass, tennis balls galore and fairly nice patrons. We've been there twice before and although Lucy is socially awkward and rarely actually "plays" with the other dogs, I think she likes it. We had only been there for about 20 minutes when the question about karma popped in my head.

A very sweet older woman was throwing a ball for her black lab (ironically named Lucy) with one of those "chuck-it" things that are designed for lazy people that don't want to bend over to pick up a ball and really can't throw one that far. We had been chatting and even I threw the ball a couple of times for Lucy (Lucy the lab, not my Lucy. My Lucy doesn't know what fetch means). A few minutes later, as I was looking off into the distance at the lovely blue sky, something hit me from behind and a white hot pain struck my knee. Lucy the lab had taken off to chase her ball and ran right into the back of my leg just under my knee cap. The sound of my knee buckeling/dislocating out of the socket/snapping and popping back in was loud enough for several people around us to hear. I swear that as I fell to the ground the only thought in my head was "shit! I can't run now".

Hyper-extending is the technical term and I did it to my other knee back in high school. It takes time to heal and for the swelling to subside, but running is not going to be happening this week for sure. I sobbed most of the drive home; partly from the pain, but mostly from the thought that nothing ever goes my way. I try hard to make good choices, do the right thing and show kindess to others, but something always sets me back several steps. Ugh.

After a several hour pity party for myself which included crying to my mother (that always seems to help no matter how old you are) I came to this conclusion. I have to just keep pushing ahead. I have to take every set back in stride and I have to believe with all my heart that good things are in my future. What else can people do? Giving up isn't an option. At least for me. Karma isn't about doing the right thing so that you can "get" something in return. Karma is just about doing the right thing. With my knee on ice and the hopes that I can at least go for a walk tomorrow to continue my weight loss and my hobby, I have faith that eventually I will take three steps forward without ANY steps back in life. :)

"Whatever we do lays a seed in our deepest consciousness, and one day that seed will grow." -Sakyong Mipham

The Trapeze

On Monday, my dad had a spot on in his throat tested for cancer. The spot showed up in one of his scans and the procedure was a completely "just to be safe" procedure. However, with knots in my stomach, I waited the early part of the day to hear the results. Is this what life is like after cancer rearing its ugly head? A whole bunch of waiting? By afternoon, my mom and I received a call at home from dad saying that no disease had been found. Wow, another bullet dodged. When the phone rang I was snuggled up in a comfy chair in the living room losing myself in another poorly written novel that I so frequently find myself indulging in. I love good books, I like average books, but mostly I just love escaping in ANY book. :)

Okay, so if you had told me a year ago that my dad would be going in to have a "spot" in his throat checked for cancer after enduring two surgeries to rid his body of melanoma, I would have laughed at you. If you had told me a year ago that I would be not only sitting and reading in my childhood home when we got the good news, but actually living under my parents' roof at the ripe old age of 29, I would have thought you were crazy. Likewise, if you would have told me almost three years ago that the man I loved, my husband, would be picking up and leaving, kicking me out of the home I loved and getting another woman pregnant.....well I probably would have thought you had gone off your "meds".

My point is, nobody can really warn you of the changes that come with this crazy thing called life and even if they did, you would most likely turn the other cheek and not heed the warning. Let's face it, the prediction of things to come in life is about as reliable as a man keeping the toilet seat down in the bathroom; I wouldn't put money on it. So what does this mean for us? For human kind and for those who really like to know what is just around the corner? It means, we must learn to live in limbo.

Years ago my mother gave me an inspirational reading called "The Fear of Transformation", which was an expert from a book by Danaan Parry. I honestly don't remember what the occasion was. A broken heart, a tough time in college, a troubled friendship? The timing or the reason doesn't really hold relevance, but I've always been someone who has feared change. The passage used a trapeze as a metaphor for life; swinging between one bar or another and the space between is where you really transform your life (blah, blah, blah). Basically it was another polite, decently written way to say that life sometimes sucks so enjoy the ride! I can vividly remember reading it, taking it in and thinking it was kind of a crock of shit. I didn't (and sometimes still don't) want to "transform" and I would love a life where I just swung contently on one trapeze bar for eternity.

As a young woman, nothing I was going through could have compared to divorce, abandonement, lay-offs, heart break, death and cancer. Unfortunately, growing up involves enduring real tragedy and that is why I took a second look at the reading tonight. God bless the internet for tracking it down and God bless my mom for having the foresight that these words might mean more to me someday than they did when she first slid the paper across the kitchen counter in my direction. The full text is below if you care to check it out.

http://www.inspirationalarchive.com/texts/topics/transformation/feartran.shtml

What I've learned is that all of life's real tragedy and triumph happen in the so called "void" between bars on the trapeze. Nothing is actually gained or conquered on the bar!! Ok, unless you mean a great Coyote Ugly impression on an actually bar at a bar after one too many cocktails. :) Life thrives in the void; in the space between 'then' and 'there', and if we don't embrace that flight then we have missed all that life has to offer. Is a new bar coming my way someday? Sure. Is there light at the end of everyone's tunnel? Absolutely. But in the tunnel is where some of the best thinking, loving, changing and happiness occurs. I say, get strong in the void so that when that next bar swings your way you have the bicep strength to hold on. Of couse, inevidibly, there will always be another moment of mid-flight to enjoy.

This Place is Like Outback!

After sleeping in late on accident and battling lunch time traffic, I finally made it to the hospital this morning around 11am. Entering the newly built Surgical Wing is reminiscent of entering a fine art gallery instead of a hospital. There are floor to ceiling windows and a huge glass fountain standing below a lovely atrium. The only thing that reminded me of my surroundings was the smell. What is that smell that all hospitals have?? Is it bleach mixed with bodily fluids or a combination of starched bed linens and the cheap stale coffee they serve in the cafeteria? I have no idea what it is, but the smell instantly brought me back to reality. Not even a beautiful fountain can distract people from both the illness and the healing that is taking place behind walls and closed doors.

I met my mom in the lobby and was informed that not only could I go and check dad's status on a large flat screen TV, much like you would see at the airport, but we were going to be "buzzed" when the doctor was ready to talk to us after the surgery. I had to laugh out loud when I saw the contraption she was given to hold until we were "buzzed". "This place is like Outback!" I chuckled. I know many restaurants use a paging system when keeping track of people that are waiting for a table, but I always think of Outback Steakhouse when I see one of the square pagers that jump and light up when its time for your turn to sit down to a blooming onion (insert bad Austrailian accent).

Mom and I polished off an above average lunch of turkey chilli and bread in the hospital's cafeteria and I have to admit it wasn't horrible. After what seemed like hours sitting in the lobby analyzing how comfy it would be to wear scrubs all day at work and trying to figure out everyone's "story" around us, we started to get a little anxious. After all, waiting for a loved one to come out of surgery makes each minute seem like hours. I checked the flat screen TV that doubles as a message board that lets family members know the status of patients and found that dad was labeled as "turnover". "Oh good, they turned him over and are doing the other side" was my first thought until I remembered that his surgery included only one arm, not two. :) After some digging, I found out that "turnover" means that the patient is in recovery and the room is being "turned" for the next patient. This reminded me a lot of how tables at the restaurant I work at are "turned" after being wipped down and re-set.

I will skip the boring details about the pager and its buzzing, but lets just say there were a few false alarms, a doctor missing in action and a sweet hospital volunteer at the front desk who feared for his life when my mother and I started to complain. Don't mess with women with sick loved ones!

Twenty minutes later we were face to face with Dr. Burke, sporting his scrubs and white coat and all. Is was a little like what you see on "Grey's Anatomy" minus the really hot hospital employees and great lighting. The details of what happened in surgery pretty much went over our heads, despite the research we have done regarding Melanoma (I am still confused as to what a lymph node looks like and what it does). What I did take away from our brief talk was something you can only read on a person's face.....optimism!! We asked how he felt about the surgery, but we really didn't need to. His eyes showed cautious optimism and strong knowledge. A great combo when dealing with cancer. "We will be watching him for a long time, but things went well." Burke mentioned regarding yearly PET scans and follow ups. I had a strong urge to hug him and tell him how precisious it was to me that he had swift hands in surgery and the brains to know what to do, but I settled for a hand shake.

For an Outback, the hospital's food doesn't compare, but for a hospital, our experiences have been positive. Caring nurses, trust worthy surgeons, fancy technology to keep us informed and that beautiful fountain. Now, if we could just work on that smell!

Mile Six

My dad was diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma only a few months ago in September. To say that I was planning on running every step of my 10k race for him would be an understatement. I can't begin to put into words what it feels like to learn that a loved one has cancer, but I'm hoping this blog will help me to start to form those words.

The morning of the race my dad woke up with a bad cold and we all knew that standing in the cold and the rain to watch me cross the finish line would be out of the question. His second surgery was just a week away and he couldn't risk not being healthy. Healthy is such a relative term when it comes to cancer, isn't it? Although I was dissappointed, I completely understood and knew I would still have the smiles from my mom at the finish line.

The race started well and I felt strong, determined, persistent. Mile one always proves to be the hardest for me, but once I hit mile two I had found my stride. Miles three through five were kind of a blur, but I kept pushing through. It wasn't until mile six that I was struck with not only fatique, but emotion. The race wasn't raising money for cancer, nor was my dad even in the crowd of spectators, but for some reason I felt his presence and a huge desire to finish strong. I felt that each time my feet hit the pavement I was passing on some kind of strength and support to him.

I finished the race in 65.04 minutes (a time well beyond any expectations of myself) and I got pretty choked up, overcome with emotion. I learned a couple of things during mile six. I learned that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for, both physically and emotionally. I learned that people you carry in your heart can help you meet goals even when they don't know it. And most of all, I learned that if I can't beat cancer for my dad then I will at least run a million steps if only a fraction of that strength will help him.

Days later, my dad told me that I had inspired him to start running and we are planning on doing a 5k race this spring together. Imagine that....I inspired Him! Maybe its about time since he's being inspiring me my whole life. :)