"You don't need Valentine's Day to know you are loved"

I tend to do a lot of my "writing" in the car in the form of thinking about and planning out the next chapter in my book or the next entry on this blog. Tonight, after working a busy Valentine's Day night at my job at a popular restaurant in Seattle, I had tons to "draft" in my head on the way home.

I don't really care for Valentine's Day. It was tolerable when I was in a relationship, I dealt with it when I was married and I try not to get too bitter now that I'm divorced and single. The holiday just gets under my skin. Over-priced flowers, dorky greeting cards and expensive, pretentious dinners, non of which has much to do with the word and emotion of love. So you can imagine that my attitude about my night at work was less than par. I tried to come in with a decent smile on my face, but honestly, I was dreading working in a restaurant filled with people "in love".

What happened tonight, however, made me appreciate this day more than I ever have. As I bustled around seating people and serving tables, I started to realize that the tables were filled with so many different kinds of "love". Sure, there was the stereotypical table complete with a tall dark and handsome male and a skinny blonde wearing too much makeup, but there was also so much more. I saw a table with a couple that were pushing 80 and held hands frequently throughout their meal. I saw girlfriends dining together to celebrate their friendships. I witnessed gay couples, interracial couples and couples of drastically different ages. I even saw a mother-daughter table and a table of a father and his two very small children.

What did I learn tonight? Love doesn't have to look the way I want it to. I don't have to have a boyfriend of a husband to feel loved and love comes in so many different packages. My dear cousin wrote me yesterday a great reminder....."You don't need Valentine's Day to know you are loved". I think she is pretty wise. So, enjoy the love you have in your life. Whatever form it comes in!

It doesn't always rain in Seattle!

There is nothing that sends Seattle natives leaping off their couches and running for the front door like a sunny day. I completely understand that much of the country is blanketed with inches and inches of snow and ice right now, but sometimes the rain and gloom of the Northwest seems worse. We often go days with out even seeing the sunshine and when I say 'days' I mean numerous days which sometimes turns into weeks! So you can comprehend my excitement when today I woke up to blinding sun and not a cloud in the sky. Sure, the temps were still hovering in the 30's, but who cares?! I saw the sun.....

With camera in hand, I took my pug, Lucy, for a walk and found some exciting signs of spring! Yes, I know its too early to get out the flip flops or gardening tools, but winter is definitely on the downward slope.

Tulips at the park were sprouting up everywhere! I can't wait to return in a few weeks when they are in full bloom.

I was trying to get a cute picture of Lucy, but she was too distracted by the children playing at the park to look up at me. I think the picture turned out kind of cool. Oh....and I really wanted to get some cute shots of kids playing on the swings and merry-go-round, but I wasn't sure if a stranger snapping pictures of random kids was somehow a crime. :)

This sweet little guy lives up the street from me and we always pass him on the way to the park. Today he was super curious about me and Lucy. He was laying down, but jumped up when I approached, just like a typical horse. I've nicknamed him Skip. :)

Meatless Mondays!

I've been a devote vegetarian at several different times in my life so I know that a great meal can exist without a hunk of beef on the plate. My challenge these days is to try and find and create recipes that are healthy, natural, good tasting, cancer-fighting and economically sensible. Hard to do.

Tonight my mom and I made a polenta Mexican style casserole. By no means is the picture below the actual image of our dinner!!! I didn't get the camera out in time before we all started to dig in so I just found a pic on-line. Trust me, our dish was much more photogenic.

My mom loves following recipes as if they were scripture. I do not. I love just tossing things in a pan, seasoning to taste and hoping all goes well. I don't pay attention to oven temperatures or exact ingredient portions and I hardly ever make a dish that isn't altered in some way. My mom knew the basic recipe by heart and together we filled in the blanks. My kind of cooking.

Here is the basic recipe, although it can be altered a hundred ways. (I apologize for leaving out exact amounts. I think you just have to use your eyes and your nose on this one.)

Polenta: Ours was homemade, but store bought and ready to use is fine. We made enough to cover the bottom of a large casserole dish. Thyme, rosemary and some red pepper flakes were added in the cooking process, but any herbs will do.

Black beans: At least one can, drained. We ended up adding another can, but that might have been a little excessive.

White beans/kidney beans: Any second kind of bean will do. We used some white beans, also drained, to add even more protein to the dish.

Tomatoes: Fresh is best, but we used one can of organic canned tomatoes tonight.

Salsa: Pick your favorite!

Corn: Optional. Adds a nice crunch, but isn't really all that nutritionally relevant.

Peppers: Red, yellow, orange, green....or a combo of the above. Tonight we used red and orange.

Onions: Half a large onions is enough.

Cheese: I've been trying to do the Vegan thing, but honestly, cheese is the hardest for me to give up. We used an aged cheddar and some fresh mozzarella tonight, but I supposed you could leave it off or opt for a vegan cheese.

1. Make or buy polenta. Mix in herbs during the making process if you so wish. Following the instructions on the polenta package is actually very simple.

2. Saute onions and peppers in a little olive oil in pan. Add in ground pepper to taste. (I tried to avoid adding any salt to this dish, but you could at this point if you want to). This is also where you would add the corn if you choose to.

3. When onions and peppers have some color on them, add in the beans and the tomatoes. Add a scoop of salsa (chilli powder or red pepper flakes can be added for heat) to the mix and let simmer for about 10-15 minutes.

4. When the veggies/bean mixture has simmered and thickened slightly, pour it over the polenta on the bottom of the casserole dish.

5. Back in oven until bubbly. Ok, "bubbly" is not a real cooking term, but honestly we just popped it in at about 350 and waiting till is bubbled.

6. Top with cheese and let back a few more minutes until the cheese is melted.

7. Serve with avocado, hot sauce, salsa or whatever your favorite toppings are! Enjoy!

Next on my list? Lasagna with polenta instead of pasta. I will keep you posted.

A healthy fry??

I'm going to try this recipe this weekend, minus the butter! My restaurant makes a similar appetizer using emmer grain as the base instead of polenta, but I found some polenta in the cupboard so that's what I will use. I'm excited to see how they turn out. I love the ones we serve and Emmer and Rye in Seattle, but of course a real chef is making those.

http://www.gourmet.com/recipes/2000s/2009/01/herbed-polenta-fries

Conscious Eating

Earlier this week, The Oprah Show featured an episode where over 300 of Oprah's employees (including herself) went vegan for a whole week. As my quest for a healthy lifestyle and a nourishing diet is always in progress, I was excited to see the show and learn even more about this "non-animal" cuisine I've been delving into lately. Oprah's guests included notable author of best sellers including "The Omnivore's Dilemna" and "In Defense of Food", Michael Pollan as well as the newly coined "The Veganist", Kathy Freston who is the author of several cookbooks and a devote vegan herself. Oh, and she is slightly annoying and much too thin. :)

Oprah herself makes a point from the moment the camera started rolling that the show was, in no means, an anti-meat show (mostly out of fear of being sued again by the beef industry). Instead, it was a show dedicated to encouraging people to be "conscious eaters", a phrase that we are hearing more of in this country and especially in the beautiful Northwest where I live. What does "conscious eating" mean? Basically, it means knowing where your food comes from, how it is grown/raised, how it is brought to your table and what consequences it brings to our health, living things and our Earth. Pretty simple, right? Wrong.

I can honestly say that until about four or five years ago, I never once thought about where my food came from. I ate what was put in front of me or what I thought tasted good, but I never bothered to let my mind wander further than that. I became vegetarian for most of high school and college, but even then I didn't really care what produce I ate and I never once thought about the consequences of eating packaged food. A few years after college I started to pay attention to what I was buying in grocery stores and I became one of those people who thought buying "free range" chicken would somehow seal my spot in Heaven. My vegetarian status changed with the seasons and my love for animals kept me firmly ignorant about where the flank steak I was throwing on my BBQ really originated. Subconsciously, I don't think I wanted to know.

In reality, where our food comes from and how it is raised/grown effects everything in our modern world. Our health, our planet, our economy and the creatures of the world. I won't spout out statistics or include diagrams because frankly you can find all the information you want from books, the web and from simply people around you. Plus, I think deep down most of us know intuitively that its probably not good to eat things that can be microwaved in 60 seconds after adding water, most likely animals we are eating don't have the best life and fresh produce probably shouldn't have toxins and hormones in them. Common sense.

What I liked so much about the show was everyone, besides Kathy (who was wearing an amazing pair of leather boots....made out of ???) made a point to say that eating animal products is a personal choice. However, everyone should see and know the backgroud of where their food comes from and if they are still ok with eating those ingredients, more power to them. It, ironically, wasn't the filming inside the slaughter house that got to me. I grew up with my dad hunting elk and deer and I don't have a HUGE issue with the killing of animals to feed another. I don't want to see it or pull the triger myself, but I can understand parts of the practice. What got to me most was the fact that the cows and chickens live horrible lives, eat unnatural food for their bodies and endure a less than pleasant death. Nothing about it showed respect to the species.

So where do you draw the line and what is truly the best for your body and for our world? I'm not sure, but the restaurant where I work right now is a "farm to table" restaurant (another commonly used term these days) and I am starting to think that this movement is what I want to put my beliefs behind. Farm to table means that ingredients literally come from the farm to the table, or in our case, from the farm to our kitchen where we prepare the food and serve our customers. No toxins, no hormones, no disgusting conditions for our cows or our tomatoes and little to no impact on the environment because our ingredients are coming from local farmers. What a concept.

I've been trying to eat this way for the last few months with many days of cheating here and there because frankly it takes some planning and some hard work. After the Oprah show, I have been "vegan" for three days and I feel great, my "muffin top" is smaller (what a horrible term!!) and I feel like I'm nourishing my body from the inside out. So I challenge you.....find a local farmer's market, buy local, buy grass fed and natural meat if you choose to eat meat and eat what comes out of the ground and not out of a box.

My thoughts on beautiful leather boots? Undecided. :)

Maybe karma is crap.

Several months ago a clerk at a gas station handed me a twenty dollar bill for change instead of the ten dollars he really owed me. I handed it back and told the truth. Last month my employer over paid me on my paycheck by quite a bit. I told my manager and had the difference taken out of my next check. I let people get ahead of me while merging in traffic. I send thank you and sympathy cards when appropriate. I help out friends when they need money or simply a shoulder to cry on. I try to avoid road rage, I've cut down on my anger, I tell the people I love that I love them and I always say please and thank you. Does any of this shit really add up? I'm not so sure.

I don't like to feel sorry for myself because all I have to do is watch the nightly news, look at a stranger on the street or read a book and I know that things could always be worse. However, for the sake of this post, I will list some of the things I have been through in the last few years.

My husband left and filed for divorce. I had to move out of the house I owned and loved. I sold my belongings and drove to Cali to be with friends. I love my best friend. I moved home to Seattle. My ex got his girlfriend pregnant and married her. I got laid of twice from two different jobs (one of which sucked and one that I really liked). I moved home, literally, with family to save money. My dad got diagnosed with cancer. And that brings us to present day.

When I type it all out it seems really silly that I think of these things as tragedies. Just watching the news tonight about the madness that is happening in Egypt makes me count my blessings. On the other hand, at about 2:30 today I wasn't thinking that at all. All I was thinking was"why me!!???" and "what have I done to deserve this??".

I will set the scene. I got up this morning and hit the track. I've been running with my dad on my nights off from work, but without knowing how far he will be able to make it since he is just getting in the game, I tend to workout the morning of as well. I jogged three miles followed by some stair running, sit-ups and push-ups. The sun was shining in Seattle and it felt great to be out in the nice weather treating my body well. Running is my yoga. Running is my knitting. Running is the thing that brings me peace and centers me. I don't do it to lose weight and I don't even run all the fast, but it makes me feel strong and I love it. I felt accomplished after my morning at the track and I planned to spend the rest of the day soaking up a gorgeous Seattle afternoon. Next on the agenda.....the dog park.

I take being a dog owner seriously and I believe that if you decide to have a pet, then you better be willing to put in the work. My little Lucy spends a lot of time with my parents when I'm at work, but on my days off I try to give her tons of attention. There is a new dog park just miles from my house with a huge open field of grass, tennis balls galore and fairly nice patrons. We've been there twice before and although Lucy is socially awkward and rarely actually "plays" with the other dogs, I think she likes it. We had only been there for about 20 minutes when the question about karma popped in my head.

A very sweet older woman was throwing a ball for her black lab (ironically named Lucy) with one of those "chuck-it" things that are designed for lazy people that don't want to bend over to pick up a ball and really can't throw one that far. We had been chatting and even I threw the ball a couple of times for Lucy (Lucy the lab, not my Lucy. My Lucy doesn't know what fetch means). A few minutes later, as I was looking off into the distance at the lovely blue sky, something hit me from behind and a white hot pain struck my knee. Lucy the lab had taken off to chase her ball and ran right into the back of my leg just under my knee cap. The sound of my knee buckeling/dislocating out of the socket/snapping and popping back in was loud enough for several people around us to hear. I swear that as I fell to the ground the only thought in my head was "shit! I can't run now".

Hyper-extending is the technical term and I did it to my other knee back in high school. It takes time to heal and for the swelling to subside, but running is not going to be happening this week for sure. I sobbed most of the drive home; partly from the pain, but mostly from the thought that nothing ever goes my way. I try hard to make good choices, do the right thing and show kindess to others, but something always sets me back several steps. Ugh.

After a several hour pity party for myself which included crying to my mother (that always seems to help no matter how old you are) I came to this conclusion. I have to just keep pushing ahead. I have to take every set back in stride and I have to believe with all my heart that good things are in my future. What else can people do? Giving up isn't an option. At least for me. Karma isn't about doing the right thing so that you can "get" something in return. Karma is just about doing the right thing. With my knee on ice and the hopes that I can at least go for a walk tomorrow to continue my weight loss and my hobby, I have faith that eventually I will take three steps forward without ANY steps back in life. :)

"Whatever we do lays a seed in our deepest consciousness, and one day that seed will grow." -Sakyong Mipham

We're not gamblers.....

While catching up on my blog tonight, I realized that my original vision for a blog about health (inside and out), running, healthy eating and peace has quickly turned into a blog about cancer and my reactions/emotions to it. I find this completely natural since who really thinks about how many calories they have consumed in a given day when a loved one is battling a terrifying and earth shattering disease? Not I. On that note, I will continue to include my dad's story in this blog, if not only for myself, but possibly for anyone else dealing with hardship in any definition of the word.

My pops was given the choice (although his doctor advised him on what to do, your health and what you do to your body is always your choice) of either having further treatment or not. I will put this in simple terms.....two surgeries, a body scan and a biopsy show no sign of any cancer left in his body. The tumor is out, lymph nodes removed "just in case" and incisions have healed nicely. The protocol for stage 3 melanoma is to follow through with a type of immunotherapy called Interferon. Think of it kind of like this....the immunotherapy is a naturally occurring thing in your body and the Interferon shots are given in high doses to encourage the body to boost its own immune system and fight off (some times killing) any invisible cancer cells that are left and any that may want to rear their ugly head again. Sounds great, right?

The reality is that the shots are given intravenously five days a week at the hospital for a whole month and then three times a week, at home, for as long as a year (or until a person just can't do it any longer). Symptoms differ per person, but can include mild flu like symptoms, depression and fatigue. Committing to a year of a possible state of "sick" just wasn't what my dad wanted to do. After asking the doctor what would happen if he didn't pursue therapy, he was told that there was a 15% chance of the cancer coming back (this would be most likely less with Interferon, but not guaranteed). He could gamble with his health or he could do treatment.


I had not one bit of advice to give him when he asked, I cried a lot, asked friends and strangers what they would do and in the end decided it HAD to be his choice. His body, his life, his life affected by feeling sick for a year...his choice. Of course, my ever positive father cracked some jokes about how 15% were pretty good odds and that he would hate to miss fishing season this year. Cancer jokes are a regular part of the conversation in my house these days. :)


A couple of nights ago, sitting on the couch with my parents, my dad informed me that I really couldn't move out till after June because my mom had already booked and planned her trip to Yosemite National Park with friends and somebody had to be around to help with shots and treatment. "We're not gamblers," were the exact words my mom said next and the look between the two of them let me know that despite fears and trepidations, dad had decided that treatment was the best choice. Honestly, 15% when it comes to a loved one, sucks. It is horrible odds when you are putting them against someone you can't imagine not being alive and I would never put my chips on a bet like that.


Dad will start treatment in February and we will all be there every step of the way. I have been designated as the "shot giver" since my mom will faint at the very sight of a needle. I am eager to learn about and take on my new responsibility.


Note to self: moving home when you are 29 because of lay-offs and circumstance is not ideal. Things happening for a reason and me being able to be a part of this journey called cancer is an amazing gift. Remember that!