Keep on Trucking....

Greetings fellow bloggers. I haven't written in weeks so I thought I would send something out into cyberspace today. Why haven't I written? Too busy with work? On a luxury vacation? No access to the internet? Nope. None of the above. Frankly, I've been in a funk (oh, and only a handful of people even read my blog so I didn't think taking a month off would really matter). :) I put all my eggs in one basket and was very hopeful about getting a job that I interviewed for and, shocker, I didn't get it. You mean there are other highly qualified people out there looking for a job?! I had no idea. :) Perhaps my confident attitude clouded this fact, but this was my DREAM job!!! And it sucks and I cried and I got a little mad and then I do what I always do.....keep on trucking.

I developed the skill of "keep on trucking" (yes, that is a medical term) out of necessity, not by choice. I didn't choose to have some of the things happen to me that have in the past few years and I definitely didn't enjoy them. What I did CHOOSE, however, was to not spend my days living beneath the dark cloud that is grief and sadness. I continue to choose this and although hard days and disappointments still grace my front door, they now fail to stay for a long visit. This most recent setback had me "funky" for longer than I liked so I was excited to celebrate Memorial Day with some of my favorite things to cheer me up. The outdoors, family, friends and laughter.

When I pulled up to my house after working the morning shift at work I was graced with a flag blowing in the wind. My dad (yep, I'm that girl that is living at home to save money and I'm ok with that....most days) had mounted it on the fence that led to the "Early KOA" camp ground that would remain open the whole three day weekend. There is nothing like a flag blowing in the wind and I was instantly proud to be an American.

I'm an outdoors girl by nature so wearing raggedy clothes and boots for a whole weekend as I sit around a camp fire, play horseshoes and breath the fresh air of the Pacific Northwest is just about bliss for me. I've mentioned the lovely Northwest in several of my posts, but honestly people, you CAN'T beat a nice day in Seattle. :) The rain held off and friend and family camped in their motor homes right on our property. Above is Lucy waiting patiently for someone to emerge from indoors....perhaps with a hot dog

There are countless reasons why I love my family and this picture is just one of them. Through a brassy sounding boom box, my mom heard an old favorite and insisted my dad dance wit her. I both cringe and love the fact that I have done and will probably do this same things many times in my life. Dad obliged and the dance the whole song right there in the grass. I was playing around with camera settings and I was mad this came out slightly blurry, but I've since decided it adds a bit of drama to it. Dance on you two!

So there you have it. Funk lifted, fabulous weekend spent with those I love, honoring those who fight to keep us safe. Nothing better. The fresh air cleared my head and I'm left with a few thoughts......there are more jobs to land, more positive than negative in my life and building the life I want is always my CHOICE!

We're doing something right!

A few weeks go my dad and I sat outside in front of a bonfire (yes, I live in the woods) and polished off most of a large bottle of red wine. We normally have no problem communicating and talking about things, but I waited till he was a little buzzed before I asked the question that had been on my mind for a while. "Do you worry about your cancer and think about it all the time?" I asked. I wasn't really surprised by the answer, but it was interesting to hear it. He told me he constantly checks his tumor sight and wonders if it will come back and thinks a lot about whether the cancer is traveling around in his body undetected. I had no empathy, since I have never been through something as life altering as cancer, but I sure had sympathy. In fact, I have begun to live my days in the same manner. Does he have the sniffles? Why? Is the cancer multiplying as we sit here over dinner (or a bottle of wine)? It is exhausting, terrifying and back breaking.

Last Thursday, for the first time in six months (which is a long time in the world of cancer), my dad had another PET Scan. The scan itself is not painful or stressful. You basically get some radioactive sugar water pumped through your veins, lay in a tube for a looooong time and then get a nice little snack of crackers and juice to boost your sugar levels again. (Side story: when they pulled dad out of the tube for his half way point snack the nurse said "Oh its sunny outside!" She, of course, was referring to the current weather, but dad replied "What? Is it July already?" :) So, its a long, but painless process).

The painful part? WAITING!!!!! He was told his doctor would contact him on Monday with the results, but if you have ever dealt with a doctor you know that their time lines are a bit relaxed. Monday passed with no phone call or text from my dad. I figured that he would only contact me at work if it was good news so by the end of the night I was convinced the Melanoma had taken over his body and he had one week to live. I went to bed that night with a heavy heart and a lot of anxiety. To cut the story short....basically I heard the phone ringing when I was in my room getting ready for work on Tuesday morning. Nobody ever calls me on this phone so I NEVER answer it. I had a feeling, and went with it, and ran to listen to the message. It was was my dad's doc saying "your scan looks fine". Forget the fact that doctors shouldn't leave messages like this on answering machines, my father told him to call his cell phone and this said doctor is now not my dad's doc. Besides all that, it was amazing news. I called Pops instantly and fought back tears of joy.

I'm not sure what it is.....the praying, the positive thinking, his new cancer fighting/no sugar/no chemicals diet, the placement of Mars in the universe. Who knows. All I know is that we are doing something right. No signs of cancer and a whole lot of time ahead of us to keep kicking cancer's ass! Oh, and maybe he will continue to worry about what is floating around in his body, maybe we all will, but for the next few months we can safely say that all is good.

My new hobby!

At the beginning of 2011, I made some New Year's "goals" which included a goal to find a new hobby. I have been doing some photography and I really love it, but recently I found something else that has sparked my interest as well. Gardening! When I lived in California in 2008, my lovely roommate had an amazing garden in the backyard, but I can honestly say it didn't grab my attention and I did nothing except water it a handful of times when she was out of town. Sure, I had other things on my mind like my divorce and how to pay the bills that were piling up, but even with that weight on my shoulders I'm surprised I never saw the beauty of the garden.

What's changed my mind? What was it that peaked my interest and has my heart all a flutter at the thought of putting my hands in the dirt? No doubt, it has everything to do with my dad. As we wait (not so patiently) for his appointment with a melanoma specialist at the University of Washington on March 1st and as we anticipate the next step in his treatment, there are few things we can do to fight or ward off the return of the cancer. What we can do, however, is think about, research and genuinely care about what we put in our bodies. High fructose corn syrup and preservatives have been banished from the house and words like "natural" and "fresh" are constantly in our vocabularies. And so, since spring is fast approaching, we decided to turn a patch of the two acres my parents own into a garden.



Here is a picture of the plot of land. The barn in the background used to house our horses, but with the animals no longer a part of our lives, this huge piece of land is barren and screaming for attention. My cousin and her family are going to be a part of this garden as well and together we will all be digging, tilling, planting and growing some delicious food. ALL natural of course and planted with love. :)

So far on the list is kale, spinach, garlic, onions, squash, beets, carrots, green beans and maybe potatoes. With a Seattle climate, there are some things that just won't grow and prosper, but we do plan on doing some tomatoes in pots. Oh, and the big endeavor (if time and money allows) will be blueberries! If you have ever purchased fresh local blueberries in the Northwest, you know how lucrative growing them yourself to consume and sell could be.

http://seattletilth.org/

Seattle Tilth offers some great classes and learning opportunities and I'm thinking of attending a session. I hope to post more pictures later in spring of our garden in bloom. I will take great pride in producing food that is safe, healthy and sustainable as well as sharing this hobby with a very special and brave man.

The Christmas Spirit

On Tuesday, three days before Christmas, my wallet was stolen at my work between the hours of 2-4pm. Inside my wallet was $225 of my hard earned money. I don't LOVE my job (although I do love my co-workers) and I definitely don't want to be a server for much longer, but I work hard and I earn every penny I make. Those pennies weren't for me and I didn't plan on hitting the bars or buying expensive new shoes, although both are things I used to be able to afford. This new life, this meager life that is the result of a poor economy, lay-offs and circumstance, doesn't allow for much "fluff" or extravagance. This is alright with me. After all, since my then-husband decided to live in 2008 I have learned to live with little material belongings, small paychecks and in physical places I never wished to be. No, material things don't float my boat and they are not a deal breaker for a happy life. I have had far more and far less than I have at this particular moment in time and I find that both humbling and scary.

What I do hold dear to my heart, over designer handbags and a condo of my own in the city, are my family and friends. Many people only think of loved ones and truly show them how much they care around the holidays. This is not my case. As anyone who knows me well could tell you, I am extremely close to my family and friends. I take pride in working hard at staying in touch and my feelings for my loved ones are usually found right on the sleeve of my non-designer shirt. Perhaps, because this year I began to emerge from the darkness that is divorce or maybe because cancer came knocking on our family's door, I felt the need to shout from the rooftops and put on the big screen how much these people mean to me. And the thief almost took this possibility away.

It is no surprise to anyone in the real world how little servers in a restaurant make. Sure, tips can really add up, but I work minimum hours and haven't been trained to work the busy dinner shifts. I can put in a twelve hour day with only one break and barely make over $100 in tips. Depressing? Sure. What I have to do right now to stay afloat? Definitely. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I spent much of Tuesday night in the upstairs bathroom at work crying my eyes out over the lost cash. I wanted to get even, I wanted to know who took is and I wanted revenge. It took all my training in Buddhism (this consists of the reading of several books upon the commencement of my divorce) to calm down and LET IT GO! Letting go can sometimes be the hardest part.

The details are not important and I will leave the names anonymous, but by the time I left work the following night, co-workers and managers alike had "gifted" me much of my lost money back. I was overwhelmed, honored and humbled. Just when it is so easy to believe in the bad in people, others show you that the human spirit is indeed good and kind.

With my meager amount of cash to spread between my immediate family members, I struggled with what to buy such amazing people, especially my parents. The day before Christmas Eve my dad found out that the pathology tests on the tissue taken from his second surgery was clear of cancer. How can a new tie or a gift card suffice for someone who is battling, and apparently winning, the fight against cancer? And for that matter, what do you buy the woman, the wife, behind the man that has always been the rock in our family even though we may not see her in that light. Impossible gifts for remarkable people.....

Below is what I decided on for the two most important people in my life. Of course there were functional gifts given like books and clothes, but these gifts spoke to the true essence of family and Christmas.

Willow Tree wooden angels are a beautiful collection of collectible angels that cover themes from friendship, to motherhood, to grief. I have received two Willow Tree angels in my life as gifts; one was for the spirit of a teacher when I got my first teaching job and one was for new home owners when my ex and I purchased our first home. They are faceless, but they speak volumes. Each one comes with a story and a quote, depending on what angel they are.

On the left is The Angel of Courage, "Bringing a triumphant spirit, inspiration and courage". This, obviously, I gave to my dad. I believe in the power of prayer, the importance of diet and the effect that a positive outlook can have, but I believe mostly in courage and spirit. Courage to face the demon of disease, courage to be okay with things looking differently in life and the courage to press on. Dad loved his angel, and it sits, as it does in the above picture, on his beside table.

The Angel of Serenity was for mom and the quote said "Calm the soul, free the spirit". This angel jumped out at me first mostly because my mom loves the Serenity Prayer and I have grown into adulthood hearing it often.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The Courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I've always loved the prayer and have turned to it many times in my own life. I also like the fact that the angel is kneeing, arms crossed. It shows a sense of submissiveness to life's twists and turns and a freeing of the spirit in order to "go with the flow". Something mom sometimes has a hard time doing. I felt no need to give her an angel of strength, or courage, or gusto because cancer has definitely showed me that she is strong enough for all of us. :)

After a huge dinner and lost of present unwrapping, Lucy enjoyed a nap with dad on his favorite chair. I love the relationship they have built and as silly as it sounds, it gives me a glimpse into what an amazing grandfather he will be!

My mom insists on getting the pets of the family gifts for the holidays as well. This is Lucy's and, needless to say, she hates it. It was slightly too big, but the hood was still tight and she refused to move in it. It was a great photo opportunity, but I think I will refrain from torturing her by making her wear it. :)

As I sit here on Christmas night, belly full and gifts still strewn around the living room, I am struck with how simple and unexpected the Christmas spirit can be. I found it in the generosity of co-workers, in the impact of a simple gift that speaks volumes, in the words "cancer free for now" and in the time spent with loved ones. This year was the first year since 2008, or maybe before, that I felt present, alive and happy. As I fall asleep in the room I grew up in, I will not be haunted by past mistakes or unfortunate changes in my life. I will smile and dream of the possibilities that lay ahead for all of us. Jobs, new adventures, spaces of our own and health. That is what the Christmas spirit is about, the hope of a better tomorrow and the kindness to help people get there.

Merry Christmas!